So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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