Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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