I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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