you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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