Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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