haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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