At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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