So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
