All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
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My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
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When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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