is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
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Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
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Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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