She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
