So drunk, too bad you don't want this
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
