Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
No subtext here. People are naked.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Blood and glitter go together right?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
