my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
