Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Randomize
