i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
