How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
