I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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