i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
