The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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