Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
