ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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