Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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