I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
