I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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