Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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