I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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