My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
