he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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