Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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