Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Green mimosas i think yes
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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