my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
