She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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