note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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