Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
he puts the penis in happiness.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I want a musical about memes.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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