Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
