Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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