if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
