im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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