he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
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I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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