He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
