It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
