Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
