I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
