I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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