umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
