Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
