i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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