nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
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hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
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I want to fling myself into the sun
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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