Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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